"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
