Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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