so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
