So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
