I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
