He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
