dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
