my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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