Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
