I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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