yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
