How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
