i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
