last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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