my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
