In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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