I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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