if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
