shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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