could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
