I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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