I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
