Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
