in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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