is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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