Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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