Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
