she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
