If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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