I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
