A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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