I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
50% drunk capacity currently
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
