i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
