the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
