I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
