We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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