Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
