My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
