Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
