no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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