is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
