im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
