I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
