Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
