Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
