I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
