oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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