I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You have to summon your inner elephant
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
