Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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