My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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