i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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